Need a while to let the first reactions ruminate ("oh!" and "aw"); will return for proper creative feedback.

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If I'm not writing, I'm just sitting here changing oxygen into carbon dioxide. Like a baby. A little shit and piss factory, maybe one day a man. Be a man today, motherfucker.

you spoil me

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K K

That sounds like a directive. Very well, then.

So, I read this a few times to come up with a "+" and "-" list. It is as follows:

+single word lines in the first stanza
+that the metaphors & images unfold over multiple readings (wind & thunder, slow motion circles, mound)
+simplicity of lines & sentences, reverence
+"threaten to take the knife myself"

-

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If I'm not writing, I'm just sitting here changing oxygen into carbon dioxide. Like a baby. A little shit and piss factory, maybe one day a man. Be a man today, motherfucker.

"threaten to take the knife myself" caught my eye too.

every single word you write catches my eye.

i'm just sorry i haven't been able to comment properly yet.

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K K

I like it, but I think there may be a few too many line breaks...and this comes from a guy who many accuse of using too many line breaks.

~M

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[link]

Brillinat work. I was especially taken in by the fact that there isn't much punctuation. It draws you away from your life and into a scenario. Especially the second time you read it.

I felt the line about the knife was slightly under you. Talking about knives I've always found to be cliched and dull, that's probably just me though.

I was captivated by the final lines "scarcely breathing
without milk." Really drove into me the fragility of the subject.

A good piece, definitely worthy of a daily deviation. Sorry, if this comment seems harsh, it's me trying to be constructive

--
The blacksmith and the artist, reflected in thier art. They forge thier creativity closer to the heart.
-- Closer To The Heart --

I liked it grats on the DD

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Normally something important and possibly hopefully intelligent goes in this space.... nah...

I like it, but I don't understand it.


What's café culture?

You say tyres float on icy cobble stones... THEN you strap him in and leave...

Who is "you"? It seems like a baby in "your tiny rattling torso" but then "you strap him in and leave" doesn't sound like a baby. Then "your eyes following the crumpled backbone" is someone other than the person whose "face is unrecognisable beneath broken mental pictures of a world so full of care"..? Right?

I THINK this is about a baby who died in a car accident. Am I right?


...Sorry. It's a great poem and I wanna understand it

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AndrewGubb.com | Empowerment in the search for truth and meaning

you think correct..BINGO!

I would break the whole thing down for you but then it loses its meaning for me. Just take from it what you will and lose the desire to UNDERSTAND.

Many thanks for your kind words and for reading xxx

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K K